NY Times advice column ponders how Democrats should deal with Trump-supporting family members

The New York Times Ethicist advice column on Friday responded to a reader question about how Democratic voters should deal with close relatives who supported President-elect Donald Trump over Vice President Kamala Harris in the election. 

“I strongly oppose Trump, as do my wife and her family, who live nearby. I’m troubled by my mother’s support of someone I consider morally abhorrent and dangerous, especially when she voted in a former swing state,” the person seeking advice wrote. “With the result of the 2024 election, my wife and her family are directing their understandable fury at my mother. My wife’s sister said, ‘‘If she voted for Trump again, I’m completely done with her.’’ I expect that the next time they interact it will not be pretty.”

The Ethicist has tackled a similar question in October, answering a reader’s question about whether it is appropriate to leave the country if the “wrong” candidate becomes president. 

For the current query, the Times reader revealed, “But my mother is a member of our family, and an invaluable caregiver to our children. She’s pleasant and kind in daily life and moved far from her home primarily for us and her grandkids. And she is my mother, after all. I’m torn. My wife and her family expect me to brook no compromise and to speak out on an issue that feels existential to them (as it does to me), but because I know that her vote here doesn’t make a difference, I have trouble feeling motivated to admonish her for her past and possibly present support of Trump.”

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The Ethicist suggested they speak honestly with their mother about their own views, but advised against “cudgeling her with them.”

“Once you’ve said your piece and listened to what she has to say in her defense, repeating the same arguments over and over would be the act of a bully. Citizens, let alone family members, shouldn’t be eager to direct vitriol against people whose political views they don’t share. If the rest of your family wants to go on doing that, you should tell them that they’re being unkind and unhelpful,” the NYT Ethicist suggested.  

The NYT author, Kwame Anthony Appiah, offered a personal anecdote. 

“A friend of mine who is active in progressive politics and served in the Biden administration has a mother who voted for Trump. The mother, who is Black, Southern and religiously devout, is a single-issue voter: She’s fervently opposed to abortion. My friend deeply disagrees with her mother’s position but finds it intelligible. They’ve made their peace,” he wrote. 

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The NYT author encouraged the person to remember that people are much more than “the sum of their political views.”

“Today, family gatherings routinely unite Catholics and Protestants, Jews and gentiles, Baptists and Episcopalians, Blacks and whites and Latinos and Asians; not so long ago, they could unite Democrats and Republicans. In perfect harmony? Far from it. But it helps to remember people are more than the sum of their political views — and that intolerance has a habit of breeding intolerance,” he wrote. 

The column comes as others also question how to grapple with the results of the election. Yale University chief psychiatry resident Dr. Amanda Calhoun spoke to MSNBC host Joy Reid about how liberals who are devastated by Trump’s re-election can cope with the news, including separating from loved ones. 

“There is a push, I think just a societal norm that if somebody is your family, that they are entitled to your time, and I think the answer is absolutely not,” Calhoun told the talk show host. “So if you are going to a situation where you have family members, where you have close friends who you know have voted in ways that are against you, like what you said, against your livelihood, it’s completely fine to not be around those people and to tell them why, you know, to say, ‘I have a problem with the way that you voted, because it went against my very livelihood and I’m not going to be around you this holiday.’”

“The View” co-hosts Sunny Hostin and Whoopi Goldberg appeared to agree with the argument. 

Hostin said she “completely” understands Calhoun’s point about distancing oneself from family this holiday season.

“I really do feel that this candidate, you know, President-elect Trump, is just a different type of candidate, from the things he said and the things he’s done and the things he will do, it’s more of a moral issue for me and I think it’s more of a moral issue for other people,” she said. “We’re just — you know, I would say it was different when, let’s say, Bush got elected. You may not have agreed with his policies, but you didn’t feel like he was a deeply flawed person, deeply flawed by character, deeply flawed in morality.”